Forgiveness - without the strings attached
Forgiveness seems like such a noble concept doesn't it? You forgive somebody for wrong doing, and everybody moves on with their lives happier and a little bit closer than before.
When you're a child it seems so simplistic and it's portrayed as something you just have to suck it up and do, whether you want to or not.
But what if the person or people who wronged you did something really terrible? Something really harmful, abusive or cruel. Should you still have to forgive them?
Most major religions seems to say that you should, and this is where the whole concept of forgiveness becomes rather problematic to say the least.
We've got forgiveness all wrong
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that the type of forgiveness we were taught in the playground is not the kind of forgiveness we need as adults.
It's noticeable that people in the holistic or "light worker" communities like to talk about grand concepts like unconditional love and unconditional compassion, but the truth is that we're only mortal beings and those are out of reach for most of us. Setting the bar so high really isn't helpful for the average person like you or I.
We're all taught from an early age that forgiveness means that you "get over it" and basically let the person off for what they did. Especially if you get some sort of apology, no matter how weak.
Now that sort of simplistic logic might be useful for spats in the playground, but what if you were raped, what if you were abused? What if you still suffer from nightmares and post traumatic stress from their behaviour?
What if the person you're upset with really doesn't deserve to be forgiven?
Should you forgive them?
Well actually... yes.
BUT
And it's a big old Kim Kardashian-West sized but...
There are many situations where you should not be letting people off, or allowing them back into your life.
Luckily, real forgiveness doesn't require you to do any of those things.
Forgiveness is all about YOU
All forgiveness really is, is finding a way to get beyond the anger, the hurt and the pain that you, the victim, might be holding on to. It's a way for you to feel better, for you and for the sake of your mental health.
That's it.
No letting people back in, or making friends with them again if you don't feel you want, or if it's not appropriate. Even if you've known them your whole life and even if they're family.
Forgiveness simply means letting go of unhelpful and painful feelings, so that YOU can feel better about what happened.
This has nothing to do with the person or people who wronged you, in fact they don't even need to know about it, and in some cases such as narcississtic abusers, they definitely shouldn't be notified!
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal - you're the one that gets burned.
Another good analogy is that holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die - guess what. They won't, but it will do you a lot of harm.
Now don't get me wrong here, anger is a very useful emotion that alerts us to danger and tells us when something's wrong. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with feeling anger, the problems only arise when we hold onto it for too long and decide to stay in that angry resentful place, when we wallow in it.
If you've suffered abuse or trauma, then you may need some help to work through those difficult feelings and let go of the unhelpful ones you might be clinging to.
Many of us hold on to anger and resentment out of fear, or the misguided belief that if you forgive the person who wronged you that you have to make up with them, let them back into your life and risk getting hurt again.
I'm here to tell you that you absolutely do not need to do that.
Forgiveness is all about finding peace within yourself, and taking steps on your journey of healing towards a happier and healthier future for you.
Forget the nonsense we learned about forgiveness as kids - real forgiveness doesn't come with any strings attached.
In fact, it can set you free.
